I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
