If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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