her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
