I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can text with my tongue
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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