I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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