right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
