I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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