Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
