he shaved USA in his pubs
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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