her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
