i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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