What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
