i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
