I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
