dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
