dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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