How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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