i just sent this text using only my big toe
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
