We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
