I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
