Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
