Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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