six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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