everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
