Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
