You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
