Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
