Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
