i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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