omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
