I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
