I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What a dumb baby whore.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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