Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
