Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
