my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
