the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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