just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
