I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
