HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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