dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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