I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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