I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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