The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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