last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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