Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
