Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
