dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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