either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Randomize
