i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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