I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
