the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
