Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
