also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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