I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
