you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.