fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic