I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts